Newsletter w/c 31.01.2022

Fixtures for Saturday 5th Feb 2022

Selection

Match Reports

(from a few weeks ago)
2s match report: The Boot Room 

During the 70s, 80s and 90s an unofficial institution of the Liverpool Boot Room was formed as an alliance between fierce Jocks and proud scousers widely lauded as the best football management tree ever. The Boot Room won multiple trophies and latterly were renowned for closing out games by mastering the art of substitutions. 

Meads version of the boot room is fiercely midget-like jock Reidy and proudly pansexual scouser Lloyd. Liverpool is not considered a fertile area for job creation in this day and age so they now ply their respective trades in the bright lights of London. 

Meads 2’s top of the league at Christmas, romping to the league title they were whispering in the Pav.  Step in the Meads Boot Room. 

Saturday 8th Jan – half time score. Meads 2 – Dorks 2.

Ronald Reid: ‘och aye Lloyd, we’re a wee drab short here. Let’s sub off our two CM’s n gooo four four fuckin two’

Coco Lloyd: ‘Calm down, calm down. We’re alright here laaaaa’ 

Ronald Reid: ‘I’ll fuckin glass ya’

Coco Lloyd: ‘I’ll call our Terry’ 

Final score: Meads 2 – Dorks 6 

Saturday 15th Jan – half time score. Meads 1 – Sinjuns 0

Ronald Reid: ‘We canny keep things like this wee man.’

Coco Lloyd: ‘calllmmmmm down soft lad, we’re alight here laaaa. We’re winning like’

Ronald Reid: ‘fook it. Take that fookin midfield off again’

Coco Lloyd: ‘do you like me new hair do la?’

Ronald Reid: ‘4-3-3 lads. Let’s shove an irn bru up them, Freeddoommmmm’ 

Final score: Meads 1 – Sinjuns 3. 

Plenty to do to secure the league title after managerial howlers that tinkerman Ranieri would be proud of. 

Who do they turn to next? Bat Ears Wilson has checked in for aids treatment, Gerrish has made a move to Clemmo and the Wildcats, dough ball Kenna was last seen sucking off a horse for £100 (and not doing Dry Jan as a result), Social Secretary has defected to the Ulster Unionist party (McCombe chairman), Bunty also bizarrely looking to make the move to war-torn Ballygobackwards. 

Rumour has it Wolverhampton refugee The Ginger Pirlo Billingsley could make a return and save the season. Could the boot room also convince his AFC Cubo substitute mate to return?

Only time will tell. 

London Welsh Reserves 2 – 4 Old Meadonians III

The Death of the Oranges

The 1^st win of the streak began with the arrival of half time orange slices – coincidence? Possibly.

The 2^nd win, oranges were once again prepped and brought – Now it was destined.

Several more wins and many oranges later Meads went into the Winter break climbing the ranks with 6 straight wins. Favourable results in the league giving us a little tease of climbing the ranks, two cup runs with us in last 16 and cup quarter final.

First game back from winter break saw the meads get knocked out of the cup by old Parkonians – doubts were thrown over the mystical powers of the orange fruit. 2^nd week and a second cup loss, Clemo was adamant on calling it quits. 3^rd week and a dreadful loss to Old Hamptonians their time was done.

The lads were near magically all on time for a 1pm meet at a blistery, bobbly Gunnersbury Park, the kit wasn’t late and an actually decent warm up from all members of the squad as opposed to their ten men with an extra getting changed at the same speed as Marlon.  The game kicked off and Meads dominated in every way except for putting the ball in the net. A plethora of chances were made and several clear cut chances were missed. The defence playing solid and a rather quiet game for Rorke so far made it only a matter of time until Meads scored. Getting later into the first half, a clever move by Will and Harry down the left hand side saw a low pass come into Shae, who then crossed it to Kody who smartly flicked it round the defender and into the top near post of the net. 1-0

Spurred on by their goal, Meadonians comfortably pushed on and Harry showed his ability when he skipped past one player, dribbled nicely into the box and left foot finished into the bottom right hand corner. 2-0 (funnily enough also the only goal that wasn’t recorded by dad Sanders)

We wouldn’t be Meads III’s if we didn’t have our self-destruct button ready to go. A defender (shall not be named) after a solid performance so far, decided to try and play the always reliable, safe option of passing back to Rorke when under pressure. Unfortunately the pass was more reminiscent of a swing and a miss and their striker was away. Some great tracing by Liam to force their striker into slowing down – However, a nice touch and a decent finish gave no Rorke no chance as he bent one into the far corner from the edge of the box. 2-1

Despite the perils of now facing the wind, Meads didn’t give up and some smart play down the right hand side won us a free kick deep into their half. Toby (Still in the group chat) Strauss played a low ball into the path of Will who could do nothing but tap it in for a lovely 3-1.

Down in the 3s, we only like to play with pressure. So what else but to give them a free kick about 30 yards out, defend the cross by heading it ourselves at Rorke to save and letting them get the second ball unchallenged to scuff one into the far post for a second undeserved goal. 3-2

Luckily, we live for the fight and a great bit of defending from the front saw Kody nick the ball from their player high up the pitch the ball being passed out wide to Adam and a beautiful cross being headed in as composed and calm as you like by Nathan saw the Meads once again get the 2 goal margin.

Before the next part, it does well to mention the high standard quality of refereeing on display down in W3. The ref had thus far ignored 3 clear penalty claims and disallowed a strong chance for a goal with an offside call when our player was 5 yards on, their Left back strolling up the pitch not even trying to hide it. Ref turned and admitted he got that one wrong……

A strange clash / bundle where one could be forgiven for thinking Clemo and Liam were on opposing teams, saw their striker nick the ball and make towards goal. Liam starts jockeying their defender who then kicks Liams leg and goes over – clear pen. Liam had definitely lost his head at that point and a tactical decision was made to sub him off.

Their forward placed the ball only to be told by one of their worst players that day that he was the man for this. Oppo gives the old definite “I’m going this way, look where looking left eyes” runs up and absolutely shanks it slow and wide of the right hand side of the post (100% covered by Rorke who dived the right way).

An honourable mention to Adams effort that was reminiscent of Lampard vs Germany with a wonder strike from distance striking the crossbar, bouncing down, hitting the cross bar again and coming out. Unfortunately, VAR isn’t quite set up in the amateur leagues yet so couldn’t claim that one.

The end of an era for the oranges, not brought this week and a 1^st win in what we hope is a nice streak. COYM

MOTM: Adam

WIG: Will Chadwick

OMFC 5s

The tale of the Biscuit Monitor & Tommy Dickfingers

Another Saturday rolled round and there was a refreshing change from travelling halfway across the South Coast as we found ourselves away to Wandsworth Borough. Having found some form with 2 wins out of 3 we travelled to bottom of the league in high hopes.

The game started well and after some early probing, some smart link up play between Matty and Jose saw the latter swivel and fire a left footed shot into the top corner to give us a 1-0 lead, time to bring out the deck chairs? I don’t think so….

Bad news then came when the teams’ Labrador, Will Baylis, popped a hammy and limped off leaving us short of legs and crunching tackles in the centre of the park, he did seem to enjoy playing fetch on the touchline though, so every cloud and all that..

Sean, who we later found is known in his professional life as ‘The Biscuit Monitor’ (we need a whole new report to discuss that), was played through by Dwaine with ball that that can only be descried as “salt and pepper on his medium rare steak”, decided that biscuits were his game and not steak and rolled it into the keepers hands, it remained 1-0.

As the 4.5’s have learned over the past few games together, holding onto a lead (and the ball) is something both sets of players seem allergic to at times and we duly allowed Wandsworth a foothold in the game, a tame corner found the smallest player on the pitch unmarked at the back post and he nodded his free header across the face of goal, Tristan then decided to shoulder it into the net, 1-1. Here we go again…

The second half began with a tweak at the back with Jackson replacing an extremely hungover Tanner, Andriy coming in to replace the aforementioned team pet.  We looked solid, spraying the ball around with Andriy and Dwaine ‘Shakespeare’ Quashie pulling the strings probing to get the ever dangerous Matty, Jose, Stich and Biscuit boy more chances.

A switch of wings saw Matty find space on the right hand side and after being released by a through ball kept his composure to slot home for 2-1, we could breathe again. Little did we know, the referee had other ideas, shortly after he gave a penalty to Wandsworth for what appeared to be absolutely nothing. (VAR later confirmed this).

Cometh the man, cometh the hour… Tristan got down low to his left and made a sharp stop with his legs to keep the ball out and it remained 2-1. As the game stretched we looked to hit the ever advancing Wandsworth on the break and did just that, Matty released in behind again and it was rinse and repeat, a cool finish made it 3-1 and we were home and dry, so we thought….

As the game was drawing to a close, the referee decided to punish Jackson’s air shot by awarding another dubious penalty….

This gave Tristan the chance for hero status, surely he couldn’t do it twice?

Up stepped (a different) Wandsworth player and went the other way, incredibly old Tommy Dickfingers got down to his right this time, somehow scooped the ball over the bar and then rightly so, went mental. We saw the game and a host of chances could have seen us win 6 or 7-1 on the day, equally without the help of dildo hands, it could have easily been 3-3. A good day all round and move on to 3 wins from 4 post-Christmas… COYM

MOM – Tommy Dickfingers – You can’t argue with 2 penalty saves

WIG – Jack ‘Twinkle Toes’ Stansfield – Injured due to having his toes trampled on the dance floor the previous Saturday night

Squad:

Evans, Golbourne, Albie, Tanner, Wright, Gates, Bayliss, Quashie, Stich, Jose, Allen, Gallagher, Tabas & Jackson.

Meads VIII  2 – 0 Reigate VI

It was a short trip to Reigate this week and there was a lack of players ‘IN’ for the game which almost saw it get cancelled. I’d like to say thanks to the Captain Gulag Grealish for all the organising in the week, the 7s players that came to play for us, Amiet, Tom, Rob and Ed, for making this game happen and to Huss for bringing his friend along. Without further a due, here we go boys…

The day started with a classic Chiswick flyover Esso garage pick up. Injured Barnsley man Rob was adamant on giving lifts, partly because he likes the team so much and partly because he had fuck all else to do… (always grateful Rob if you’re reading this!) I also think he secretly enjoys the challenge of getting the Huss up out of bed. Delayed by the Huss, Rob rocks up with Huss at the Esso garage and winds the window down to find Lane staring into outer space, after calling to him once there was still no response, just looking up at the sky like he had seen a pair of tits pass behind the clouds, he was either so focused he was just in the zone, or his mind had set sail 3 weeks ago to the Bermuda Triangle and not returned.

After Lane eventually got in the car, the journey down seemed quite quick, the time passed with stories of Peter Crouch and footballers shitting in kettles. I imagine that’s exactly what Pep Guardiola talks about before a game, inspiring stuff and it seemed to do the trick for the 8s. Upon arrival at the pitches, this time we could see the pitch lines, a real bonus for a Reigate game, never felt so privileged.  

The game kicked off and the first half saw many chances with Joe and Max getting through for some 1v1s. It was all quality stuff, no messing around. Corners were plenty and the goal looked like it was coming for Meads.
Later into the 1st half Huss turned into a leaping salmon at the back post after a cross was whipped in from Amiet, he even had a salmon like posture, arms by his side and everything, but came just 2 inches short of scoring the header. The nutritionist in the team has advised a steady diet of Miracle-Gro and plenty of milk in time for next weeks game.

Raj the Great Wall of Chana had a great first half, standing firm between the posts letting nothing past him, making a few diving saves and coming off his line quickly when he was needed. The 1st half ended 0-0 with Meads looking like they had the better chances.

In the 2nd half, the lads started getting stuck into tackles, passing the ball quite well and switching the play, with the exception of the ball appearing to turn into a wrecking ball for some… Lane tripped over it, Sam slid over just from looking at it and Huss… well Huss just flew off the pitch into all the Meads bags …must have just thought he could dive in there quick and nobody would see him get a quick 20 minute nap.

Again the chances for Meads kept coming with great determination all over the pitch. Adrian positioned himself well in the box, laying the ball off to Lane (wish Odegaard)  who had his shot narrowly blocked.

The play went on and then something I’ve never seen before happened. Last week our accuracy was so poor we couldn’t hit a barn door, but this week Raj the Great Wall of Chana must have set a club record as he managed to snipe a low flying seagull from a goal kick, I’ve never seen anything like it, does Meads have a stat like that? (For any seagull lovers, the seagull flew off…)

The chances kept bubbling and soon enough a foul was given on the edge of Reigate’s box, free kick to meads. The returning club legend, Ed Simons stepped up, receiving a quick lay off from Joe Donny Powell, he hit it true and blasted it into the top right corner. It was a great moment, the crowd cheered (Rob), the team celebrated and even the likely concussed seagull was appreciating that one. 1-0.

The 2nd goal then came for Meads to seal the win with Lane battling with the defender for the ball in the air, the ball then dropping backwards for Abdi who ran onto it like a steam train and  hammered it home into the bottom left. 2-0.
A few other chances came, one for Sam with a shot from outside the box, going for placement in the top right bin, narrowly missing and Huss with 2 more close chances just going over the bar and into orbit.

All the boys put in a performance this week. The Great Wall of Chana was solid and kept Reigate out, best performance yet from him. We had an excellent defensive line this game with Toby, Tom, Ed and Edwin following in the footsteps of Barnsley man Rob and putting their bodies on the line, (quite literally with Toby getting his collar bone broken from a Reigate Randy Orton take down tackle). The midfield played well helping to control the game and the strikers created many chances on goal with Joe Donny Powell doing a classic number 10 with some John Cena-like moves.

This week Wig goes to Toby for breaking his collarbone on his debut game.MoM also goes to Toby for some excellent play defending and attacking before he risked it for a biscuit and got carried off the battlefield. The team wish him a speedy recovery.

Sunday Vets 3 – 2 Shebu Oldstars AET

Thompson x 2, Gordon (dubious)

MOM: Thompson

WIG: Gordon

Et tu Rory? The phrase ran through my head stepping out of the shower to collect the WIG. As the nominations rang around the dressing room, clearly a goal and assist were not enough to mask some seriously wasteful finishing and keep me from writing the match report. So it was to be.

The Sunday Vets emerged from their pre-Christmas hibernation after pumping Westminster Citz in the last round to face the unknown quantity of Shebu Oldstars. Rumours abounded in the weeks leading up to the game of DJ Campbell and a host of other ex-pros lining up which was the last thing many of us wanted without having a jog let alone a game in 7 weeks. The oppo turned up at the Lands suitably unimpressed at the lack of changing facilities, the kids rugby and games of laser tag that they huddled up at the 3G pitch waiting for reinforcements.

When the action kicked off the oppo set about us with some nifty passing and a few pot shots not really troubling Gazza on goal. They say if you wait long enough for a bus and then two come along at once but in this case for the Meads and goal scoring opportunities it was a never-ending line. We spotted the oppo were slow in behind down the channels and with Leon and Si holding up the ball and playing it on, Ed and myself got in on a few occasions. I was the culprit for most, firstly forcing the keeper into a save when played in by Leon and then slicing horribly wide when finishing would have been easier (cue the rueful look to the grass to cover up the shame). We weren’t to be denied however when just after getting a rollicking from Si for not putting a ball across the 6 yard box, I went down the right and cut a ball back to the edge for the rampaging Thommo on another shuttle run to control (miraculously not by his genitals) and lash a shot into the far corner  1-0 Meads. The theme continued for the rest of the half with Thommo, Leon, Ed and myself all denied whilst at the other end Deano and Loz soaking up the pressure with aplomb.

The second half began with the oppo bringing on someone with a magic left peg who took control of the game, sitting a few down with some of his sidesteps and they began to pressure us. Meads flipped the game on its head though when Thommo stole in to smash another one home after Ed almost had his jaw broke as he chased down the keeper. 2-0 Meads. A mistake at the back invited pressure however and after rolling the ball to the edge of the box their winger with his back to goal obviously thought “**** this” and back heeled one into the corner from 20 yards out, a ridiculous goal. It got even more ridiculous about 10 mins later when said winger cut in from the left side and with no backlift, lashed one into the top corner, as easy as you like, it seemed to him. Meads fought on with some tiring legs and forced a good few chances to win it in normal time with the likeliest coming from a few headers from corners. The controversy came when Thommo thought he’d bagged a hat trick to the delight of his Brummie fanboys on the sidelines until the ref thought he’d keep it interesting and wave it off after 10 oppo players descended on him to protest.

And so it was to ET and there wasn’t much to write home about. Legs were tiring, quick sand was being run in and minds were slowing even quicker. Halfway into the second period a ball went over the top and I was haring in, obviously thinking of the 5 chances I had missed before, I took a heavy touch and in came keeper and defender to flatten me but somehow the rebound came back off some limb and bobbled in, cue scenes of relief. We hung on to see out the last few minutes of frees into the box and even had a few counters of our own before the ref blew up.

3-2 the final score and the Sunday Vets now have two huge semis to look forward to, something which Gazza seemed to be looking forward to more than anyone else based on the chat…..