Newsletter w/c 28.2.22

Fixtures for Saturday 5th & Sunday 6th March 2022

Selection

Match Reports

Old Meadonians 1 – 3 Old Tenisonians

The real talking point before the game didn’t even involve football. With Meads fighting for the lives to stay in the league, a certain striker couldn’t miss a rugby game. Punishment still to be confirmed, but ideas from apology songs to NATO style sanctions were discussed.

Anyway, to an proper sport. The game started as aspected with tenisonians. Physical, in your face and always mouthy. With a lot of the play being more up in the air then the floor, no team could get a foothold. Unfortunately, the first big moment of the game went the opps way. A low corner was put in by a Meads player. Even with this set back meads couldn’t get out of 1st gear and went into half time 1 behind and 1 man down after Richardson called concussion after heading the ball with his face.

The second half saw a better approach, with more build up and calmness on the ball. Chris was introduced at half time after coming back from injury and started to pull the strings. However his midfield counterpart, Sanders, dallied on the ball even though he had about 7 options and let their striker in for a one on one to make it 2-0. It was an uphill battle from there but the last 20 minutes produced some of the most threatening play from Meads and 10 minutes towards the end tenisonians repaid the favour by putting the ball in their own net. Unfortunately, with meads pushing for the point, the oppo capitalised and scored to make it 3-1.

Still lots of points to play for and Meads 2022 form could still produce a wins to keep us at. A week off and then back to it💪

Wig – Harry
MoM – Chris

Meads 5ths vs John Fisher 1sts (4-2 win, MOTM: Small Will)

As the sun rose on Saturday morning, with the looming shadow of Baylis with his post-Infernos kebab projecting onto Clapham High Street, a seismic game was on the horizon. John Fisher started the day having not lost a single league game all season, earning a reputation for being exceptionally classless and arrogant in the process. They had beaten us 4-0 earlier in the season and had been absolute gentlemen about the whole affair. Even being so kind as to congratulate our player on his own goal. So today was the day that retribution was to be had. Tanner and Tris managed to show up on time, Baylis met Graeme Souness who surprisingly wasn’t coming to watch our game, and Matty even cracked a smile before the game. Everything was going to plan.

That was until John Fisher striker nodded in the most basic of crosses 15 minutes in to make it 1-0, with what can only be described as amateurish defending. Despite this howler, we had actually made a good start with some masterful tactics. Those tactics being to let their CB try and smash Scholes-esque passes from his own box, with consistent heckles of ‘let him have it, he can’t pass for sh*t’ from our backline. We eventually decided that it probably was not the best idea to let the CB have endless time on the ball to pass to someone who could actually play football, so we let Stich off the leash to run like a madman at him. Speed is Stich’s middle name, exhibited perfectly after most games when he gets called home by his missus and decides to dispatch 3 pints in 10 minutes to make up for his early departure. Golbourne meanwhile was busy harassing their tricky LW, with some tame help from vodka-zombie Baylis, with the LW being shut down to such an extent there were genuine questions about whether he had been subbed at half-time. Sean on the other side, playing in his natural position of LB, was handling arguably their best player from the reverse fixture.

Some switching of wings from Matty and Stich saw a sweeping cross from Matty slotted home by Jose to make it 1-1 about 35 mins into the half. There was an immediate eruption in the John Fisher camp, with players turning on each other instantly. We capitalised on this by rifling in another goal soon after for 2-1, this time Stephan taking advantage from the ref making the oppo stop and calmly putting Matty through to score his first goal of the game. The John Fisher bench, previously very loud with only the most intelligent and nuanced punditry, now fell silent and dare I say it, humbled. This saw us into half-time, with a keen reminder from Tim that we are notorious bottle jobs when in winning positions and that we need to actually concentrate this 2nd half.

The instruction from kick-off was for Henri to spank a long ball into the channel for Matty or Stich. Well, the ball reached its intended target, but not before Henri had nutmegged their outrageously cocky striker for the 3rd time in 2 games. He then sprayed a long ball to Stich who came very close to putting us 3-1 up 10 seconds into the half. We had to dig in for a 20-minute onslaught of John Fisher pressure, with the ref giving all sorts of calls. Around 70 minutes in, we conceded a clearly offside goal. Luckily the ref could rely on the trustworthy testimony of the John Fisher coach for whether it was offside or not, and the goal stood. The tension, which Tanner ‘could feel in his plums’, was palpable. Golbourne submitted his attempt for WIG with what we believe to be a Sir Alex quote to Tim of ‘Do something! We are going to lose this game if you don’t change something! Although I have no idea what to change!’. Not to be deterred by their CMs celebratory ‘sssh’, we rallied and really got up for it. Tim was seemingly heading every single high ball away, but the bench beckoned eventually with him making way for Pete. Stich also had to bow out after an admirable shift, making way for new RW Baylis. Their Love Island reject striker kept shanking more and more shots wide, but he was grateful for the uplifting comments from Golbourne of ‘nice finish pal’. We started to break their midfield up with what can only be described as ‘forceful’ challenges by Pete and Stephan, giving us a lot of the ball.

We finally got the killer blow, with Henri passing to Baylis who put Jose through to tuck away a tidy finish into the bottom corner. Jose then ran to the corner flag, beating his chest, and basked in the cheers from the adoring fans. All 2 of them. Soon after, the team channelled our inner Tony Pulis with route 1 long balls up to Baylis. He finally managed to flick one onto Matty who tore their RB a new arsehole and slotted home for 4-2. When calm heads were needed, it is always great to be able to rely on the composed figures of Sean and Tanner who seemingly had an argument about being calm?! Tanner managed to de-escalate the situation by helpfully saying ‘just listen to me and you will be fine mate’, which most of the time we know to be complete bollocks. We managed to see out the rest of the game, a pleasant surprise for the Spurs 5s, and we had the pleasure of witnessing the oppo take their first L of the season with all the dignity of a reversing dump truck. MOTM went to Golbourne, although everyone had a great game. The goals from the usual suspects of Jose and Matty made them close contenders too.

Meads VIII 0-3 Dorking VIII

The Meads army all made their way down to the quaint and peaceful Surrey Hills this weekend, fully expecting to grab a bit of meat and take away the 3 points.

It didn’t start well though, gulag Grealish was feeling sick in the car after drinking the devil’s water (sparkling water). I swear the only time anyone ever drinks that stuff is when they misread the label. Joe Donny Powell tried to help the situation by feeding him with some 4-day old beef jerky, a diet of warriors or stray dogs depending on how you look at it.

Slowly but surely the boys rolled up including Mr PSG (the Huss) looking the dollar and the “all shoot at the goal at once” warm up drills started. It was all giggles and shits until Joe Donny Powell tried to grab the wig early on pre-game by tripping over the ball whilst lining up a shot. This man clearly hates his ankles and his ankles clearly hate him.

The game kicked off with a 4-2-3-1 formation. Just before I go into any great analysis of the game, Id like to give credit to the ref this game, he did a fair job, but he looked like Father Jack from the Irish sitcom Father Ted. All game I kept thinking he was gonna yell for a drink… see below for reference:

The first cock up came from Rob Clattermole at the back or the big man from Barnsley as you may know him. It was an annihilation inside the box, steam rolled from behind and then used as a doormat, 10/10 from a WWE perspective. One flattened player and a Penalty to Dorking. Pete guessed the right way but couldn’t get enough of a glove to it after a dodgy bounce and in it went, 1-0 Dorking.

Rob Clattermole redeemed himself in the 2nd half with a Joel Matip run from CB and later on almost bagged with a clean header from Lanes free kick. Lane also came close with a volley just skimming over the crossbar giving it a closer shave than Alan Shearers trim.

In the 2nd half, we were hoping for a better comeback story than Demba Ba’s hair…

…but instead opened the flood gates to Dorking going 3-0 down, but showed great moments of defiance and created chances with Raj getting passed the last defender but firing it straight at the keeper. Guivin created more chances than anyone but couldn’t quite find that different gravy. Seb set himself up to bag but slipped on a banana and couldn’t get the shot away. A quick mention to Will, Jonny, Max and Art for some good running and tackles on the pitch. In summary though, we started off playing like Liverpool and it descended into a Spurs game for us basically.

MOM goes to Guivin for good link up play and work rate. WIG goes to Rob Clattermole for giving away the penalty.